The Enterprise Crew Goes to Vegas
by Tavia
Summary: Just what the title says: Kirk, Spock and McCoy go to Vegas. Spock wins big at poker, and Kirk hits on a dozen showgirls. Please R/R.
1. Shore Leave

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek.  Someone else does.

Author's Note: YAY!  I'm finally posting another story!  I have a dozen more in the works that might be posted someday.  I hope.  If you've read Mask of Stella…yes, I promised a sequel at the end.  Well, that one never got written.  Sorry.  Here's another one though.  Not quite as crazy, but funny.  I promise it gets weirder as it goes along.

THE _ENTERPRISE_ CREW GOES TO VEGAS

Introduction:

Kirk: [voice-only] Captain's Log, Stardate 6901.5:  Starfleet crews can spend months in deep space, without coming into planets.  This can be trying.  And rather dull.  When we do come to a convenient place, we like to take some time off.  Sometimes a week, sometimes one evening.  These trips can vary from quiet and relaxing to wild and exciting.  Generally, crewmembers feel better for them.  And then other times…  Well, most recently, we took shore leave in Las Vegas.  And what a shore leave it was.

Act I, Scene I

Narrator: The Enterprise recently came into orbit around Earth.  At the urgings of Captain Kirk, he, Spock, McCoy, and several other crewmembers have gone for an evening's shore leave in Las Vegas.

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy enter a crowded casino.  A few other crewmembers can be seen scattered around the room.  Kirk looks around him in obvious delight.]

Kirk: [delighted] Didn't I tell you this was a great place for shore leave?

[Spock blinks.  McCoy shrugs.]

Kirk: [slightly annoyed] Well, you could be a bit more enthusiastic.

McCoy: Now, Jim, for all we know when Spock blinks like that it's the Vulcan equivalent to a human jumping up and yelling "yahoo."  And maybe you're just not reading enough into my shrug.

Spock: [raising an eyebrow] "Yahoo," Doctor? 

Kirk: All right, all right.  [enthusiastic] Seriously though, you've got to love this place!  Every hotel in town has some kind of nutty theme.  This particular casino is designed to look just like the ones they had back at the end of the twentieth century.  Same card games, same slot machines, everything just like way back when! [Spock and McCoy do not look impressed] Aw come on! You've got to appreciate the card games, the atmosphere…the showgirls!  [eyes a few girls walking by; cocky (he'd tip his hat if he had one)] Well anyway, I'm sure you'll manage somehow.  If you'll pardon me, boys.  I'm heading off to exercise one of my inalienable rights: the pursuit of happiness!  [saunters after girls]

McCoy: [joking] Hey Jim, don't forget to come back to the _Enterprise_!

Kirk: [without turning around] Whatever you say, Bones. Whatever you say.

McCoy: [to Spock] Well, if we're lucky, we'll see him again by next week.

Spock: Indeed.

McCoy: So, what do you want to do?  Maybe get something to eat?

Spock: Actually, I am interested in learning to play poker.

McCoy: [staring at him] Poker.

Spock: It is a card game, is it not?

McCoy: Well yeah, but I wouldn't have figured you as being interested in poker.

Spock: Quite to the contrary.  As you may recall, after our encounter with the First Federation ship, in which the Captain used a bluff while making an analogy to poker, I distinctly said that I would like to learn to play poker.[1]   Unfortunately, I never did learn, and now that we are in an establishment designed for gambling-

McCoy: Okay, I got it.  You're interested in poker.  [thoughtful] Well, let's see now.  You start out poker…

Act I, Scene II

[Kirk is sitting at a table with a beautiful showgirl.  They are talking.  Or rather, Kirk is bragging while she listens.]

Kirk: [dramatic] So, there I was, surrounded on every side by- [stops abruptly; conversational] You've seen tribbles before, haven't you?

Beautiful showgirl 1: [fascinated] No, I've never heard of them.

Kirk: Oh, well, fierce beasts.  Fierce.  Take it from me, you don't want to meet 'em.  So, anyway, [dramatic] there I was, surrounded on every side by tribbles.  There was no way out…except for one.  It was risky, but I knew I had to take the chance.  Because, after all, risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

[Suddenly, the band strikes up a new song.  Beautiful showgirl 1 stands up.]

Beautiful showgirl 1: [hurried] Oh dear, I'm on next.  I'm terribly sorry, but I've really got to go.

Kirk: [gracious] That's all right.  I understand these things.  Perhaps, another time.  [smiles winningly] A starry night, a full moon… You must look beautiful in the moonlight…

Beautiful showgirl 1: [smiles] Another time, Captain.  [walks off]

[Kirk stands up and wanders over towards the bar.]

Kirk: [contented] I love this place.

[Sits at the bar.  Smiles winningly at beautiful waitress.]

Kirk: [cocky] So…what time do you get off?

Act I, Scene II

[Spock and McCoy are still standing where we last left them.]

McCoy: All right, well, that's the basics of poker.  Want me to go over the list of what-beats-what again?

Spock: That is not necessary.  I believe I have everything.

McCoy: [disbelieving] Look, Spock, poker's a complicated game.  Are you sure you've figured the whole thing out after one time through?

Spock: I have very good memory.

McCoy: [dubious] Well, okay.  We got the chips already, so I think the poker tables are over here…we split whatever we make or lose fifty-fifty, right?

Spock: Agreed.

[Spock and McCoy walk over to the poker table.  They sit down and put their chips on the table.  A big, unfriendly-looking man eyes them from across the table.]

Unfriendly man: [rudely; to Spock] Hey, catch the guy with the ears!

Spock: [calmly] As I may point out, everyone in this room, yourself included, has ears.

Odd-looking reptilian alien sitting at table: Hiss-snark-shhhhhz.

Spock: [nodding politely to O-LRASAT] Pardon me, I did not realize you hear out of your feet.

McCoy: [attempting to diffuse the situation] Yeah, right.  Well, let's deal, shall we?

[Unfriendly man glares at them but does not comment.  Dealer deals out cards.]

Spock: [eyeing cards] I believe I will stay.  [to McCoy] That is the correct term?

McCoy: It's used more for Black Jack but it works.

[McCoy takes two cards, O-LRASAT takes three, Dealer takes one, and Unfriendly man takes none.]

Unfriendly man: [putting down chips] I'll raise it ten.

Spock: I will… [thinking hard] see your ten, and…raise you twenty. [puts out chips]

McCoy: That makes thirty and I'll raise you another five. [puts out chips]

O-LRASAT: Hiss-hiss-zzzsh.  [puts out several chips]

McCoy: [to Spock] What did he say?

Spock: He is raising another fifty.

McCoy: [lays down cards] Too rich for me.  I fold.  

Dealer: I'll raise it fifteen.

Unfriendly man: I'll raise another twenty. [looks around smugly]

O-LRASAT: Hisssssssh. [throws down cards]

Dealer: What he said.  [lays down cards]

Spock: I will raise…another one hundred.

Unfriendly man: [disbelieving; rude] You're bluffing.

Spock: [raising an eyebrow] I believe it is an essential point of the game that I do not inform you as to whether that fact is true or not.

McCoy: [urgent] Don't tell him.

Unfriendly man: All right.  I call.  [puts down cards; smug] Full house.

Spock: [lays down cards; perfectly calm] Four threes.

Unfriendly man: [disbelieving] You weren't bluffing.

Spock: That fact seems to be quite apparent.

Unfriendly man: [irritated] Oh, a wise guy, eh?

McCoy: Him?  A-a wise guy?  [starts laughing]

Dealer: Hey, look, if you want to talk, go to the bar.  This is the poker table.  Let's play.  [deals cards]

Act I, Scene III

[Kirk is sitting at the bar talking to the beautiful waitress.]

Kirk: [dramatic] So there I was, trapped on a planet filled with villainous androids, bent on conquering the universe and enslaving mankind.[2]  I knew I was the only one in the galaxy who was in any position to stop them.  And there was only one way.  I knew it was risky, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

Beautiful waitress: Look, Captain, I'd love to hear all about it, but this is our busy time, and my boss will simply have fits if I don't serve everyone…

Kirk: [gracious] Sure, I can understand, you're just trying to make a living, and we can't have some boss yelling at a pretty little thing like you.  [smiles winningly]  Another time, maybe.  A starry night, a full moon…you must look beautiful in the moonlight…

Beautiful waitress: [smiles] I bet you say that to all the girls.

Kirk: [(sounds) sincere] Oh, no, not at all.

Beautiful waitress: Well, another time, Captain.

[Beautiful waitress goes to serve customers.  Kirk saunters away from the bar.]

Kirk: [contented] I really love this place.

[Swaggers over to a beautiful girl sitting alone at a small table.  He sits down in an empty chair at her table.]

Kirk: [cocky] Well, well.  If I knew there were girls like you on Earth, I never would have joined Starfleet.

Act I, Scene IV

[Back at the poker table, McCoy isn't even bothering to play anymore.  The pile of chips by Spock has grown considerably.  Unfriendly man is looking very annoyed.  The dealer is nearly as irritated, as the pile of chips near him is very small as well.  In the hand presently being played out, everyone but Spock and Unfriendly man have folded.]

Spock: I will raise you three hundred.

Unfriendly man: [growls] I fold.  What'd you have?

Spock: [laying down cards] A pair of twos.

Unfriendly man: [thunderstruck] You were bluffing?!

Spock: [calmly] Yes.

Unfriendly man: But you…that's…

McCoy: Is something wrong?

Unfriendly man: I'm the best player in town.  I can tell when a person's bluffing, or when they're not.  Always.  Even the guys who pride themselves on their poker faces.  I can tell.  But this guy looks EXACTLY the same.  Doesn't twitch a muscle or anything!

Spock: If I were to react emotionally over something as minor as a poker game, I would not be a proper Vulcan.

Unfriendly man: That does it.  I'm out of here.  [takes his few chips and walks away]

Spock: [thoughtful] That is a very emotional person.

McCoy: [shakes head] Absolutely no control.  Very sad.

Spock: Doctor, are you mocking me?

McCoy: [innocent] Me?  Mock you?  Perish the thought!  Let's play, shall we?

Act I, Scene V

[Kirk is sitting at the table with beautiful girl, talking.]

Kirk: [dramatic] The Klingons had completely overrun the ship.  With most of the crew trapped below deck, the Klingons out numbered us…oh, a dozen to one. [3]  I knew we'd all be killed in short order, unless I did something.  And there was only one thing to be done.  It was risky of course, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

Beautiful girl: Listen, I'd love to hear about it, but I promised a friend I'd meet her right about now.  Some other time, okay?

Kirk: Sure, some other time.  [smiles winningly] Perhaps a full moon, a starry sky…you must look beautiful in the moonlight…

Beautiful girl: [smiles] Catch you later, Captain.  [walks away]

[Kirk stands up and walks away from the table.]

Kirk: [content] I really, really love this place.

[Kirk spots another beautiful girl sitting alone at a table.  He sits down at an empty chair at her table.]

Kirk: So…what's a beautiful girl like you doing in a crummy little joint like this?

Beautiful girl 2: [smiles sweetly] Well, it just so happens I have an excellent reason for being here.  My husband owns this "crummy little joint."

Kirk: Oh.  Well…give him my regards.  [gets up and walks away fast; to himself]  Well, they can't all be gems.

Act I, Scene VI

[At the poker tables, conditions are about the same.  Spock is still winning, McCoy is watching excitedly, crowds are gathering, and the dealer is unhappy.]

Spock: [calmly] I will raise three hundred.

[O-LRASAT stands and throws his cards down angrily.]

O-LRASAT: Hiss-snzzr-shhrt-foo!  [storms off]

McCoy: What'd he say?

Spock: "I've had it.  Good riddance, big spenders."

McCoy: Ah.

Dealer: Listen, are you sure you want to keep playing poker?  Maybe you should try your luck at some other table…

Spock: No, thank you.

Dealer: [rolls his eyes in despair] If the big boss kills me for losing him a fortune, my blood's on your hands.

Spock: [seriously] Quite to the contrary.  Your blood would be on the "big boss's" hands, if you bleed on anyone.  Most likely he would shoot you, and your blood would not be on anyone's hands.

[McCoy laughs.  The dealer groans.]

Dealer: Forget it.  Just forget it.

[A group of giggling showgirls come up.]

Misc. Showgirl: We heard someone here's winning at poker.

Dealer: That wouldn't be me.

Spock: I assume you are referring to me.  Can I help you in some way?

[Showgirls all cluster around Spock, to McCoy's great amusement.]

Misc. Showgirl: [batting eyelashes at Spock] We always come cheer the winners.

Spock: Ah. [thoughtful] But don't you distract the players from their game, therefore making it difficult for them to continue winning, in which case they quickly cease to be winners?

Misc. Showgirl: [confused] What?

Spock: This is not logical.

[McCoy is laughing by now.]

Dealer: Can we just play?  If you're going to lose me my job, we might as well make it fast.  No point in prolonging the suffering.

Act I, Scene VII

[Kirk is chatting with Yet another beautiful girl.]

Kirk: [dramatic] So there we were, all of us stranded on a planet where our every thought became a reality, a construct of an evil computer bent on destruction.[4]  There were some pretty ugly thoughts running around.  I knew there was only one thing I could do.  It was risky, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars—

[A showgirl runs by, stopping to talk to Yet another beautiful girl as she goes.]

A showgirl: [excited] Have you heard?  Some guy's winning a fortune at the poker tables!  The excitement's really building.  All the girls are going to see!

Yet another beautiful girl: [regretful] Gee, Captain, I'd love to chat but… [shrugs] the management hasn't lost anything substantial in twenty years.  I've gotta check this out.

Kirk: [magnanimous] No problem.  Entirely understandable.  Maybe some other time.  [smiles winningly] Perhaps a full moon…a starry sky…you must look beautiful in the moonlight...

Yet another beautiful girl: [smiles] Another time then, Captain.  Sometime soon.  [walks off towards poker tables]

Kirk: [content] Yep.  I love this place.

[Kirk approaches Another Showgirl.]

Kirk: Miss?  I'd like to congratulate you.  You've just been randomly selected as the winner of our contest.

Another Showgirl: Oh?  What's the prize?

Narrator: [loud whisper; sarcastic] Can you see this one coming?

Kirk: [smiles winningly] The prize?  Why, a date with the captain of the _Enterprise_! 

[Curtain drops on Act I.]

  


* * *

[1] _The Corbomite Maneuver_

[2] _I, Mudd_

[3] _Day of the Dove_; the Klingons and the Starfleet crew were, in fact, exactly matched numbers-wise.

[4] _Shore Leave_


	2. Continuing Madness

Thanks for the reviews!  Here's Act II; Hope you like it.  I rather think it's crazier than Act I.

Act II, Scene I

Narrator: As we rejoin our heroes, a few hours have past.  It is now late evening.  Spock has been playing (and winning) at poker, much to McCoy's delight.  Word has spread about Spock, and more and more people are coming to try their luck against him.  Meanwhile, Kirk has hit on another eight girls, handing each one the line about the moonlight.  And now, back at the poker table…

[Spock now has piles of chips reaching higher than his head.  McCoy is ecstatic, watching the whole thing with—pardon the word—fascination.  The dealer is still fearing for his job.  Excitement has built a great deal around the table, and play is brisk, though the showgirls are getting bored with Spock, since he completely ignores their advances.  Through the window, one can just see the full moon rising above the treetops.  Suddenly, Kirk appears on the scene.  He spots Spock and McCoy at the poker tables, and dashes over to McCoy.]

Kirk: [frantic] Bones!  You gotta help me!

McCoy: [intent on game] Not now, Jim.  Spock's about to call.

Kirk: [frantic] But Bones!  You don't understand!  [dramatic] The moon has risen!

McCoy: [staring at him] And… [snaps fingers] I've got it!  You're actually a werewolf and you've been hiding it all these years!

Kirk: Yes!  [stops to register what McCoy said] Wait.  No!

McCoy: [agreeable] I suppose it would have shown on your medical records.

Kirk: [thoughtful] Yeah, I suppose, although if- wait a minute.  [frantic again] Why are we talking about werewolves, when the moon has risen!

McCoy: That's the only time anyone talks about werewolves.  They aren't interesting the rest of the month, since-

Kirk: Forget the werewolves!  I'm in trouble!

McCoy: [resigned] All right.  What'd you do now?

Kirk: You know the line I give the girls?  About the full moon, and the starry sky, and how they-

McCoy: -must look beautiful in the moonlight?  [sarcastic] Yeah, I might have heard that a time or two.

Kirk: [winces] Okay, so maybe I overuse it.  But the point is, I used it on a dozen different girls tonight.  And now the moon has risen!

McCoy: So…

Kirk: Now all twelve girls think they have a date with me!  When the moon rises!  And the moon has risen!  So all twelve girls are out in this big garden they've got on the roof waiting for me, and none of them knows about the others!  And believe me, it won't be pretty if they find out!

McCoy: Hmm.  That does sound problematic.  What are you going to do?

Kirk: [frantic] I don't know!

McCoy: [considering] Well, you could try dating all twelve at once.  You know, keep moving from one to another, and keep each girl in the dark about all the others.  I've heard of it being done with two or three.

Kirk: Yeah, but with twelve?

McCoy: [shrugs] What else are you going to do?  Besides, it can't be that hard.

Kirk: [thinking] Yeah.  Yeah, okay.  Okay, I'll try it.

McCoy: You do that, Jim.  Now excuse me, they just dealt another hand.  [returns attention to the game]

Act II, Scene II

[Kirk is sitting on a park bench with Beautiful showgirl 1.  Tall hedges and trees surround the area.]

Beautiful showgirl 1: So…tell me more about those…fierce tribbles.

Kirk: [nervous] Ah, tribbles, right, ah well, I was, uh, about to take a risk!  Yeah that's it! Because, you know, risks are our business.  Why, when man first looked at the stars- [jumps up abruptly] Say, does it seem kind of hot to you?  Well, I think I'll go get us something to drink.

Beautiful showgirl 1: [confused] What?

Kirk: Be right back.  [disappears between the hedges]

Narrator: Scant moments later…

[Another Beautiful Girl is sitting on another park bench.  Kirk comes rushing up.]

Another Beautiful Girl: [delighted] Captain!  There you are!  I was beginning to wonder.

Kirk: Oh, well, I was being… [searching for excuse] fashionably late!  Yeah, that's it!  Fashionably late.

Another Beautiful Girl: Do you do that often?

Kirk: [blankly] Do what?

Another Beautiful Girl: Be fashionably late.

Kirk: Oh.  Yes, actually, uh…all the time.  Which can occasionally be risky.

Another Beautiful Girl: [puzzled] It can?

Kirk: Oh, sure, you wouldn't believe it.  But of course, risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars- [looking up] Say, you know, you can't really see the stars tonight.

Another Beautiful Girl: [puzzled] Yes you can.

Kirk: I don't know, it looks like rain.

Another Beautiful Girl: [really puzzled] There isn't a cloud in the sky.

Kirk: Well, yeah.  But it looks like rain.  I'll go get us an umbrella.  [dashes off]

Act II, Scene III

Narrator: Back at the poker tables, Spock is continuing to rake chips in.  McCoy is delighted.  Spock is calm.  As we join them, another man is arriving who is, shall we see, a bit less than delighted.

[An expressionless man in a black suit approaches Spock, and taps him on the shoulder.] 

E. Man: Excuse me, sir, are you Spock?

Spock: I am.  And you would be?

E. Man: [raising voice; to crowd in general] This game will be closing down for the moment.  Please, enjoy yourselves at our other attractions.

[The crowd, though disappointed, begins to disperse.]

McCoy: [outraged] Hey!  You can't do that!

E. Man: I work for the management, sir.  Yes, I can.

Unidentified Poker Player: [to McCoy] Relax, man.  They always do this when someone starts to win too much off of 'em.

McCoy: Oh.  [muttering] Crooks.

E. Man: Mr. Spock, if you would please come with me.  The owner would like to speak with you.

Spock: [stands up] Very well.

McCoy: He's not going anywhere without me.  Half of those winnings are mine.

E. Man: You are his accomplice, then?

McCoy: [confused] Accomplice?  Um, well, I guess so.  I mean…yeah, I am.  Sure.  Why not?

E. Man: In that case, the owner will be wishing to speak with you as well.  Please, come with me.

Act II, Scene IV

Narrator: Roughly ten minutes from when we last saw Captain Kirk, he has made his way back around to Beautiful showgirl 1.  She is less than pleased.

[Kirk races out from between the bushes and sits down next to Beautiful showgirl 1.]

Kirk: [panting] Well…beautiful night…isn't it?

Beautiful showgirl 1: [less than pleased] Where have you been?  You've been gone over ten minutes!

Kirk: [vaguely] Gee, has it been that long…

Beautiful showgirl 1: And I thought you were going to get drinks?!

Kirk: [snaps fingers] Drinks!  That's right!  [jumps up] I'll go get some!  [hurries off; muttering to himself] Faster!  Must move faster!

Beautiful showgirl 1: [calling after him] Wait!  I didn't want drinks [trails off] anyway… [suspicious] Hmm.

 [Kirk comes rushing up to Another Beautiful Girl, and sits down by her.]

Kirk: Where was I?  Oh, yes!  When I was fighting hand-to-hand combat with ten Klingons!  It was risky, but risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars-

Another Beautiful Girl: Okay, first off, you were talking about Romulan warships, not Klingons, and second, where do you keep running off to?!

Kirk: [worn out; mutters] Wouldn't you like to know!

Another Beautiful Girl: Yes, I would like to know!

Kirk: About Romulan warships?  I'll go do some research!  [runs off again]

Another Beautiful Girl: [exasperated] That's not what I meant!

Act II, Scene V

[In the office of the casino's owner, Spock and McCoy are sitting before the Owner's desk.  The Owner is sitting at the desk in large red armchair.  E. Man and Dealer are both present.]

Owner: [coolly] Now, the way I hear it, you two have been making a fortune at my poker tables.  How?

Spock: As I understand the game, it is a simple matter of having a higher hand than one's opponent, or else leading your opponent to believe that you have a higher hand—

Owner: I meant, how are ye cheating?  Nobody wins like this, not at my poker tables, not unless I want 'em too.  I want to know what you two have going here.

McCoy: [outraged] Are you accusing us of cheating?!

Owner: [As though it's very obvious] Yes.  I thought I was quite clear on that.

McCoy: [outraged] Do you have any idea who we are?

[Owner snaps fingers.  E. Man hands him a PADD.]

Owner: [reading] Name: Leonard H. McCoy, also called "Bones."  Place of Birth: Georgia, North America, Earth, Federation.  Graduate of Starfleet Medical.  Profession: Starfleet, Medical Branch.  Rank: Lt. Commander.  Present Posting: Chief Medical Officer aboard the Starship_ Enterprise NCC-1701_, under Kirk, James T., Captain.  Next of kin: Daughter, Joanna; place of residence: San Francisco, North America, Earth, Federation.  Name: Spock…other name I can't pronounce.  Place of Birth: Planet Vulcan, Federation.  Graduate of Starfleet Academy.  Profession: Starfleet.  Rank: Commander.  Present Posting: First Officer/Science Officer aboard the Starship_ Enterprise NCC-1701_, under Kirk, James T., Captain.  Next of kin: Parents, Ambassador Sarek…name I can't pronounce, Amanda Grayson; place of residence: Planet Vulcan, Federation.  [looks up; to McCoy] You were saying?

McCoy: [swallows hard] Never mind.

Spock: Impressive.

Owner: Now.  How are you cheating?

Spock: I assure you, no cheating is involved.  I simply have an excellent "poker face."  It would be a disgrace if I had such lack of control as to show emotion over such a small thing as a poker game.

McCoy: Don't you know anything about Vulcans?

Owner: Vulcans aren't known for their gambling.  The last one in here took one look around, declared the whole thing illogical, and left.

Spock: [thoughtful] Clearly, his logic was flawed in some way.  It is only illogical if you do not believe yourself to have an advantage.  
  


[A non-descript employee comes in, hands another PADD to Owner, and exits.  Owner reads it, frowning.]

Owner: [looking up from PADD] Hrumph.  It seems our instruments for detecting high tech cheating devices have picked up…nothing.  With no proof, I'll have to take your word for it that you're honest and let you go.

McCoy: What do you know?  Maybe a man's word is worth something.

Owner: Yeah, yeah.  [to E. Man] Give 'em their chips and send them on their way.  [to McCoy and Spock] But do me a favor would you, and stay away from the poker tables?

McCoy: No problem.  We'll try a different game.

Act II, Scene VI

[Kirk comes running up, and sits down next to Yet another beautiful girl.]

Kirk: What was I saying?  Oh yes!  Risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars-

Yet another beautiful girl: [angry] What is going on?  You disappear for five or ten minutes, show up for half a minute, and then disappear again!

Kirk: [vaguely] Oh well, I've had some business to tend to…  In fact, I better go do some more tending.  [jumps up]  Be right back.

Yet another beautiful girl: [watching him go] Something is definitely up here.  And I don't think I'm going to like it.

[Kirk runs up to Another showgirl.]

Kirk: So…I was saying, about the starry sky…the beautiful moon-

Another showgirl: [angry] Don't talk to me about the moon.  The moon got me out here, to sit all by myself!

Kirk: By yourself?  I'm here!

Another showgirl: Only for the moment.  Forget it.  I don't even want to look at the moon let alone talk-

Kirk: [jumps up] Is the moon bothering you?  I'll go get some sunglasses!

[Kirk rushes off again.  Another showgirl looks disgusted.]

Act II, Scene VII

[McCoy and Spock are back out on the floor of the casino.  McCoy is looking around in search of another game to try.  Spock is carrying a bag containing their chips (a very sizeable amount).]

McCoy: [rubbing hands in anticipation] So, what game should we try next?  Black Jack?  Canastas?  Hearts?

Spock: Actually, I would like to try the slot machines.  I noticed them near the poker tables.

McCoy: [face falls] Um, you know, Spock, I really don't think that's a good idea.  I mean, there's no logic there.  They're completely random, nobody's ever been able to predict—

Spock: I believe I can predict when they will hit the "Jackpot."  As I said, they are near the poker tables.  I was studying them during the game, and I believe I have determined a pattern.

McCoy: [muttering] The man makes a fortune at poker and finds a pattern in slot machines at the same time.  [shakes head] Well, why not?  What have we got to lose?  Lead on.

Act II, Scene VIII

[Kirk comes running up to another girl sitting on a bench.  He's thoroughly out of breath.]

Kirk: [panting] Sandy,…dear,…beautiful night…isn't it?

Girl: It's Cindy.  And where have you been?

Kirk: Cindy!  Lovely name!  I'll go get it engraved on something.

Cindy: [confused] What?

Kirk: Be back in minute.

[Kirk dashes off.  A moment later, he's running up to another girl.]

Kirk: Mindy!

Girl: Mandy.

Kirk: [panting] Mandy.  Right.  I knew that.

Mandy: [studying him] Do you feel okay?  You look like you're having trouble breathing.

Kirk: You know, you're right.  I'll go see a doctor.  Excuse me. [races off]

Mandy: [calling after him] Wait a minute!  [frowns]

[Kirk rushes up to a third girl.]

Kirk: Candy!  How are you?

Girl: I'm fine, and it's Katie.  Where have you been all evening?

Kirk: Oh, I was, uh, talking to a friend.  In fact, I need to go have another word with him.  Be back shortly.

[Kirk runs off again.]

Act II, Scene IX

[McCoy and Spock are standing in front of the slot machines.  Spock is watching intently, and has been for several minutes.  McCoy is growing impatient.]

McCoy: [irritable] Look, Spock, you said you wanted to play the slot machines.  If we're just going to stand here all night—

Spock: [abruptly] Now.

McCoy: [confused] What?

Spock: [points to machine] That machine is due for a jackpot within the next three plays.  Now is the time to make our move.  Do you have a credit?

McCoy: [pulling out a credit] Uh, yeah.  Listen are you sure about this…?

[Spock inserts credit.  A moment passes.  Credits start falling into the tray.  More credits follow.  Many more.]

Spock: I believe my theory was correct, Doctor.

[More credits are falling, overflowing onto the floor.]

McCoy: [dazed] Mr. Spock, have I ever told you you have a talent for understatement?

Act II, Scene X

[Kirk dashes between two bushes, looks wildly around, and spots a girl sitting on a bench.  He dashes over to her.]

Kirk: Gertrude!  What was I saying a moment ago?  Oh yes!  Your eyes are so… [searching for a word] blue!

Girl: [unfriendly] Do I know you?

Kirk: [blinks] Wait a minute.  Wrong girl.

[Big burly guy comes up to them.]

BBG: Hey Alice, who's the creep?

Alice: I dunno, Tank.  I was waiting for you and he just showed up all of a sudden and started talking about my eyes.

Kirk: [nervous] Tank…well, uh, I'm pleased to meet you…

Tank: [punching fist into palm of his hand] Don't be.

Kirk: [backing up as Tank approaches] It was just a slight mistake…

Tank: Yeah.  A fatal one.  Nobody messes with my girl.

Kirk: Now you—you don't want to do this.  I'm warning you.  I'm James T. Kirk, captain of the starship _Enterprise_.  Klingons know me and fear me.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

A short time later:

[Kirk staggers out from between the bushes, with a black eye and looking much the worse for wear.]

Kirk: I guess he wasn't afraid.  [looks out towards audience; defensive; to audience] Hey, it's not my fault the guy's a professional boxer!  Earth champion.  Second place for champ in the Federation. 

[Kirk wanders off down the path.  Around a turn, he encounters all twelve girls, standing together and looking very displeased.  They all glare at him.]

Kirk: [backing up] Uh, ladies…

Beautiful showgirl 1: [frosty] We've been talking.

Kirk: Have you?  Wonderful pastime, talking.  I do it all the time, heh, heh…

Beautiful waitress: [equally frosty] Yes, we noticed.

[Beautiful showgirl 1 approaches Kirk.]

Beautiful showgirl 1: Like I said.  We've been talking.

Kirk: Oh, well, I hope you had a nice chat…

Beautiful showgirl 1: [slaps Kirk] Cad!  [storms off]

Kirk: [eyes other girls] Um, I can explain.

Beautiful waitress: [angrily] Don't bother!  [slaps Kirk] You boor! [storms off also]

[Kirk looks pained.]

Narrator: For the sake of our star's ego and public image, we will be cutting back to Spock and McCoy now, and leaving the rest of this scene to our viewers' imaginations.  Suffice it to say: they all slap him.  Some are quite creative in what they call him.  For instance—

Kirk: Hey, cut that out!

Narrator: Ahem.  Moving on…

Act II, Scene XI

[Spock and McCoy have gathered all the credits, which McCoy is carrying in a bag.  They are in search of what to do next.]

McCoy: [enthused] So, any other slot machines about to go to jackpot?

Spock: [calmly] Not for several hours.  I do, however, have a theory regarding the roulette table—

McCoy: Whatever you say, Spock!  Lead the way!

[They head for the roulette tables.]

Spock: Using the theory I've developed through observation—

McCoy: Uh, when exactly were you observing?

Spock: While waiting for the slot machines to reach the jackpot.

McCoy: [shrugs] Hey, why not?

Spock: As I was saying, I should be able to accurately predict which number will come up.

McCoy: And that number would be…

Spock: [watching the roulette tables]  On the next spin, it should be number 22.

McCoy: Got it!  Lucky number 22!  [plunks the bag credits on the table] Come on Spock, put the chips up here too.  [Spock does]

Spock: Doctor, I am not sure it is wise to risk everything on one spin.  It certainly is not logical. 

McCoy: [confident] Don't worry, Spock.  I've got faith in you.

Spock: Worrying is illogical.

[Roulette attendant spins the wheel.]

RA: Number 23.  This spin, number 23 is our winner.  [rakes in all other chips, including Spock and McCoy's]

McCoy: [dazed] Twenty-three?

Spock: [calmly] It seems I miscalculated slightly.

McCoy: Miscalculated?  Miscalculated?!  [angrily] About that talent for understatement…

Act II, Scene XII

[A short time later, all three of our heroes beam back up to the Enterprise.  None look especially delighted by their shore leave.  McCoy still looks upset, though thoughtful.  Kirk looks thoroughly miserable.  Spock…well, Spock never looks especially delighted.  There are two people in the transporter room to greet them: Lt. Kyle, at the controls, and, none other than Lt. Carol Collins, Kirk's girlfriend.[1]  Upon seeing her, Kirk stops looking miserable, and starts looking petrified.]

Kirk: [nervous] Carol!  Darling!

Carol: [angry] Don't "darling" me!  I've been talking to some of the crewmembers who already beamed up.  I hear you've been having a very busy evening!

Kirk: Now…now, Carol, can we talk about this?

Carol: No.

Kirk: [apologetic] I swear I didn't enjoy myself, if it's any consolation.

Carol: [exasperated] Why do I put up with you?  You're always pulling stunts like this!  Do you think I never talk to the yeomen on this ship?

Kirk: [thinking hard] Now, Carol, dear…you know I'm just…flirting!  That's it!  Everybody flirts!  It doesn't mean anything.  [smiles winningly] You know you're the only girl in this quadrant I could be at all serious about…

Carol: [considering; to McCoy] Should I be buying any of this?

McCoy: I'm staying out of this.  I've had a rough enough evening as is.

Kirk: Perhaps we could discuss the matter further?  [smiles winningly] Could I invite you to the Mess Hall?  A table with a view maybe.  A starry view port…a full glass of Romulan Ale…you look beautiful in artificial lighting…have I ever told you that?

Carol: [dryly] Several times.  [considering] But…maybe we could at least discuss the matter…

Kirk: Certainly!  We'll talk.  I can explain the whole thing.  Half the rumors…I mean, lies, spread about me aren't true.  Have I mentioned how much I respect you, by the way?

Carol: [smiles] Keep talking.  I might forgive you…eventually.

[Kirk and Carol walk down the corridor.]

Narrator: And that just about concludes our tale.  If you're feeling sorry for our stars right now, please don't.  After all, Kirk did bring it all onto himself.  And as for Spock and McCoy…

[Spock and McCoy walk down the corridor, in the opposite direction.  McCoy looks thoughtful.]

Spock: Doctor, I hope you are not still displeased with me.  It could create friction in the work place.

McCoy: Displeased?  Displeased?  [breaks into goofy grin] I couldn't be more delighted!  Do you know what happened tonight?

Spock: [as confused as Spock ever gets] We lost 1 million, 5—

McCoy: Right!  Because you made a mistake!  You yourself admitted it was a slight miscalculation!

Spock: Doctor, I am failing to follow your logic…

McCoy: I now have conclusive proof that Vulcans are capable of error.  This is wonderful!  I'm never going to let you forget this!  This is better than a million credits!

THE END

So that's my story.  Hope you liked it.  I'll keep on the other ones.  Hopefully they'll get posted faster than this one did.  J

  


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[1] Like it says, Carol is Kirk's girlfriend.  She's an original character, in Starfleet, posted on the _Enterprise_, human, and alive.  A very rare combination among Kirk's girlfriends.


End file.
